365 Days of Mercury

I hadn’t looked at your facebook page for days until you messaged me. And now I need to get myself to stop checking up on you again. You don’t want me around so I’m trying to stop being there.

Tomorrow is 90s day at school let’s all dress grunge, listen to Nirvana all day on our walkmans, then go home and watch Toonami and play Super Nintendo.

I didn’t exactly go from the frying pan to the fire.

Maybe more from the frying pan to another frying pan covered in grease.

He gave me back the things I gave him today. Left the matches he tried to burn them with. And seeing the damage he did to them, however minimal, made me feel bad again. It’s easy to forget why you like someone when they’re either ignoring you or being a jerk. But when they apologize, when they bring back things you gave to them out of love, it hurts.

I just want it to be over so you can try and heal without me. I don’t want to stand with our mutual friends and repress the urge to talk to you and hug you and all that stupid shit.

I want us back, sometimes. But I don’t know if that’s just because I just want you to talk to me again, or if I still love you, or what. I don’t want to beg for you back if I’m not sure why. I already made my choice, and you say you don’t want me but I don’t know if that’s because of my choice or because of the hurt or because of something else. And there’s no guarantee you’d want me back, anyways. I’m not sure why, but I just got de ja vu.

I don’t know if I would go back and change it if I could. I don’t know. I’d like to say I would, to make us both feel better. “I know I’m happy with someone else, but I’d go back and change it if I could. But I can’t. Oh well.” You know? It just sounds like bullshit.

Just, you were one of the best things that ever happened to me. I’m not sure you have any idea. You helped me with my self-esteem. I think you helped me become more social. You got me to read and watch some great stories and movies. And I know I didn’t seem like I appreciated it, and maybe I didn’t at the time, but I really appreciate all the shit you did for me. Driving me everywhere, dropping me off last of everyone so we could sit in your car and talk, buying me things, taking me to prom, seeing my band things that I’m still not sure if you actually enjoyed or not. And you put up with a lot from me. I would rather you have told me about it, than just hide it, but I guess I can appreciate that too. You cared about me enough to not want to bother me with it.

And I just … hope I’ve learned a lot. Learned not to let people do too much for me without doing something in return. Learned to talk about my problems (I hid things that annoyed me about you, too). Learned not to let dumb crushes grow into something bigger than that. Learned that sometimes people will lie to you even when they swear they’re not lying. Learned (or rather remembered) that people need space after a breakup, before you can try to repair the friendship.

I think I can sleep now. So, good night. Say one farewell my sorrow sharing.

(and if you read this, thank you for not hurting my feelings when they were naming all of the seniors. I think you know what I mean)

Good bye, championships wristband. You reminded me of better times.

for some reason, the other day during 5th period, some bandos started playing this year’s marching show. And I decided to play along, for fun.

And it got to this triplet run that I always had some problem with, and the music builds up all amazing and I always get this rush of “oh man here we go” and I take this deep breath and

I play it perfectly. And all these emotions and all of these feels come rushing back and it’s goddamn fabulous. I mean I ended a little too soon but I was kind of in the back of the room away from the speakers.

but god damn it was the best feeling in my life. Playing that show makes me grin.

officialiwrotethisforyou:

I have told myself you are not allowed to hurt me anymore. That’s what hurts the most.